93!

I wrote 93 blog entries this year. Didn't change my life much; didn't change anyone else's either. I feel confident, though, that I was able to outlet some of my anxious and negative energy.

I will not do the "look back" that I've done in the past on the last day of a calendar year. Was I blessed? Yes, as always. Was I taken by surprise at times? Sure, as always. Did I experience a wide range of emotions, including fear, anger, joy, pride, awe, and embarrassment? Of course, as always. A new year will do nothing to alter my propensity to make mistakes, ask questions, seek truth and resolution, love my family, do the work that I love... nothing changes in 2011.

I suppose my one "resolution," and it just happens to coincide with my prayers and dreams of the past several months, will be to do more good in the world. For some time, I have wanted to make "helping thy neighbor" become second nature, so I will continue to work on sensing and responding to need.

I will walk away from my 93 posts with an open mind and an open heart. I can't wait to read what you have to say!

Grasping

We grasp so tightly to that which we love. We hold on to childhood memories, adolescent dreams, blind hope, family traditions, and loved ones with every ounce of strength in our mortal, human fingers.

I will hold on to the memory of my stillborn son, my deceased father, and my happy childhood with every breath that I take.

I will not be ashamed of my ability to grasp.

Tyler Dilts

I am, as of moments ago, a "follower" of your blog, but why not address your novel here... it's more convenient for me, anyway.

I picked up your book at the "libary," with my daughter on Thursday evening. I didn't put it down, save for the hours during which I was working, cleaning, feeding my son, grocery shopping, sleeping (very little of this), writing lesson plans, or drinking Starbucks. Suffice to say, I found it to be a snarky, good read. One-liners, anybody? Hello!

Did I mention Starbucks? Well, if I didn't, I can rest assured that you probably did. Why did you mention it more than once in A King? Sponsorship? Free coffee? If so, how can I get in on that deal?

I'm not sure whether to praise or criticize your work, Tyler Dilts. I am completely disinterested in Law & Order types, and yet I love a well-written mystery with heart. Read it, loved it, yet confused as to how you only have 20 or so followers on your site. There are too many contradictions to do either one.

"Congratualtions" on having your work published! I look forward to reading about Danny Beckett in the future!

Thankful

Last week we began a unit about thankfulness in our classroom. We were talking about those things for which we are most thankful - the things that we couldn't live without - and a student said, "I am thankful for having a bus to bring me to school, lunch to eat every single day, and a teacher that smiles at me every morning."

Long Time, No Blog

I believe that it has been just over two months since I've posted. Isaac's first Halloween has passed, and I have survived yet another start of a school year. I am busy. I am tired. Some days I feel as though my soul has been sucked out by the handful of immature, whiny, needy, tattle-tale children that have been placed in my care.

Some days, however, things aren't so bad. My students seem to learn. I am able to breathe... and smile... and laugh. Sometimes I pick up my own children at the end of that day to hear, "Hi Mommy! I love you!" Sometimes I am met with simple, genuine, warm baby hugs. There are moments when all is right with the world.

God bless working parents. Your time is divided, you serve multiple people in multiple capacities, and your time is always someone else's time. I hope that you are able to enjoy many special moments amongst all of the chaos.

MWM Turns 30

Sad

I am sad. It hurts to go back to work and leave my son in someone else's care. I want to be with him. I want to care for him. I want to know him better than anyone else. I have been with him literally every moment of his life since conception, and I will miss his sweet little face, voice, and cry more than words can say.

MWM Turns 30

Garage Sale Etiquette

After several months of digging, cleaning, clearing, sorting, stacking, and pricing, we are finally ready for a garage sale. Sure, we've had them in the past, but not large or varied enough to yield a profit. This sale will be huge, as I rid our basement of my daughter's entire infant/toddler wardrobe, all furniture and items from what were once our guest room and home office (now children's bedrooms), and a closet full of maternity clothes that I don't intend to wear again anytime soon. As I prepare for this exciting weekend, I reflect on the etiquette that I wish were standard at garage sales:

1. Don't mess with my neatly stacked piles unless you are really considering buying something. This is not a Gap, and I don't have employees waiting in a back room somewhere.
   
2. Don't ask me why I am selling something. Obviously, I no longer have a need - or desire - to keep the item in my possession, and thus, it's been put out for sale. RIGHT?!
   
3. Don't try to "talk me down" 50 cents. I probably don't have the change, and I am not taxing you.
   
4. Don't ask if I'll sell the things in my garage that are not priced. I am keeping those. K?

I am smiling as I write this, because I don't really mind these things at all. I enjoy meeting new people, and I love warm weather. What combines the two better than a garage sale?

MWM Turns 30

Are We Done Yet?

It's an interesting question that I've gotten a lot latey... "are you done?" A simple query regarding whether or not my husband and I plan to have more children; but for me a weighty issue with no easy answers.

I love my children. I love knowing them as babies and watching them grow. I love rocking them, teaching them, and being silly with them. I love it all. Parenthood, though, hasn't been an easy road for us, so wanting more and having more are two very different concepts.

From the frustration of trying to build our family the old-fashioned way, to the heartbreak of losing our son Henry just prior to birth, we look at pregnancy and birth as a trial in patience and resilience... and one that we feel ill-equipped to handle again. If it were to happen, we would embrace the blessing and try to face it with courage. I can't imagine, however, inviting that anxiety and desperation into my life again.

I wish that my answer were as simple as a "yes" or a "no," instead of a "yes, but only because..."

MWM Turns 30

A Mom's Wish List

1. A personal chef
2. A housekeeper
3. TWO refrigerators and PLENTY of pantry space
4. ALL walk-in closets (not just in the master!)
5. Clean restrooms at the park
6. Voice-activated remote control
7. Clothes that fit after pregnancy (not too big, not too small, not stretched out, etc.)
8. Gorgeous hair that needn't be so much as blown out
9. A husband that genuinely enjoys his role as a father
10. Children that are healthy, safe, and (for the most part) well-behaved

Happy to have 9 & 10... working on the other 8!

MWM Turns 30

No Routine IS our Routine!

My son is 7 weeks old, my daughter knows only her whale pool and swings, and I am taking an accelerated graduate course in an effort to obtain my next level of professional licensure. We have no routine. When someone asks, "What would be a good time to...?" I have to reply, "I don't know. Let's try for... or If my baby is sleeping, then..."

Our routine is having no routine, and the sooner that I accept and appreciate it, the better off that I - and everyone else - will be.

MWM Turns 30

Who Am I Now?

It occurred to me this afternoon while eating lunch, and I will preface by acknowledging that I am prone to over-analyzing just about everything, that I may no longer know who I am.

In between trying to conceive each of my children (and thus, being a trying mom), I was stay-at-home nursing mom (Izzie) and grieving, working mom (Henry), only to be followed by anxious, pregnant mom (Isaac). Today, I am no longer trying, no longer pregnant, and (will soon be) no longer nursing. So... what am I?

Who I am has influenced the way that I eat, the way that I sleep, the way that I work... everything, for several years. If I am to simply be Renee again, I will have to take some time to figure out who that is now that my babies are here and my family is complete.

MWM Turns 30

Still Impatient

I think that I wrote a blog a few months ago about being impatient. Yes, that's me: Mrs. Impatient Universe. I could probably blame other people and things for my inability to take things slowly, casually, with ease... but the truth is that I am simply an impatient person. This is probably my biggest character flaw considering that I am a mother and elementary school teacher. I reflect on the times that I rush Izzie to do things and I feel ashamed of myself. Why should she have to do everything "quick, quick, candlestick" so that I can fit in more things and thus be able to say (not that anyone is paying attention) that I have been "productive?" To my knowledge, there is no reward for having everybody ready, on time, always.

I continue to work on this part of myself.

MWM Turns 30

Jekyll & Hyde / Mommy & Baby

It seems as though we're both having mood swings. He goes from happy to fussy in a matter of moments (darn that gas!), and I go from calm and serene to weepy and nostalgic in the same amount of time. I don't only miss my Henry (and the lost opportunity to nurture him), but I also miss Izzie as a baby. A small part of me regrets that Isaac is likely the last newborn that I will hold for a long time, and yet, I look forward to the day when he is old enough to really smile, giggle, walk, talk, and play. There are times when he doesn't want to eat - or be held - or even to burp (the thing that he needs most); just as there are times that I don't want to put his snuggly body down, all whilst I dream about him being a toddler.

Mommy / baby mood swings?

Newborn-dom

My newborn is beautiful, precious, and delightful. But if it weren't for sleeping, eating, and making yucky diapers, he'd do nothing at all.

Take this morning, for example: He was changed and fed, but wide awake. I burped him and sat him on a blanket on the floor where he could see everything. He got bored... or uncomfortable. So I moved him to his bouncer. There, he got bored... or uncomfortable. So I repeated the events that started the whole process: changed his diaper (although it wasn't really wet), tried to feed him (not hungry), tried to burp him (went from fussing to crying), so he ended up back on the blanket where he laid quietly... for about two minutes.

Sigh. Newborn-dom is one part sacred, one part psycho. No, wait, maybe that's just new-Mom-dom. :)

MWM Turns 30

Life Has Changed... Again!

My life has changed... again. Now I am the mother of two young children. Now I am feeding two mouths, bathing two bodies, and entertaining two impressionable minds. I am praying, shopping, cleaning, and cooking for a family of four now, and I am enjoying the sounds of two completely different voices, cries, whines, and grumbles. Now I am recognizing two unique smiles and laughs. Now I have a sense of being complete as a family (that is, as complete as we can be without our precious Henry). Now I am the partner in a marriage, and head of a household of four, as I had always envisioned in my mind.

Of all of life's changes, this one feels long-overdue and yet completely unexpected. I may as well savor it, for the only certainty is that it will change again.

MWM Turns 30

My 3 Year-Old Has Lost Her Mind!

Since the first overnight that we spent in the hospital with baby Isaac, my 3 year-old daughter Izzie has been acting in ways that are... out of character for her (to put it mildly). She's had at least one major meltdown each day, began wetting the bed at night, chose to sleep on her floor for a few days in a row, has been louder and much whinier than usual, etc. My husband and I have done everything that we can to maintain normalcy for her, as she still attends pre-school, visits the park every few days, and gets to play outside with her friends. So why all the fuss?!?!?!

Is it because she's 3, and toddlers are unpredictable? Is it because she suddenly has a crying, feeding baby brother in the house? Is it because it's summer and Mom is home now?

More important than pin-pointing the cause of the frustration would be to ask the obvious question: How do we make this better? Time? Patience? Routine? Candy?

Help! My 3 year-old has lost her mind, and mine is sure to follow!

MWM Turns 30

Television

Now that I am on Maternity Leave, I am a little disappointed in the lack of quality programming on TV. Regis & Kelly is completely ridiculous and couldn't be less relevant in my opinion. Shows like Tori & Dean, Pretty Wild, and even 19 Kids are about families and what they do everyday. Why would I want to watch other families when I have one of my own? Re-runs, old sitcoms, 24-hour news channels... all a bit of a letdown now that I have the time to watch here and there.

What would I like to see? I'd like more educational programs (Nova-esque), career reality shows (teaching, for example), and down-to-earth cooking shows.

Three months until I am back in the classroom. I suppose that until then I should just enjoy the peace and quiet that being "off" - and having the TV turned off - provides.

MWM Turns 30

Nursing is a Challenge (For Me)

Breastfeeding has come easily to each of my living children, but it doesn't come so easily to me. For one thing, it can't be planned, steamlined, or proceduralized. For another, it can't be shared with my husband or other caregivers. While most women probably find joy in feeding-on-demand, I struggle with having a lack of control or persuasion. Isaac is hungry when he's hungry, eats for a different amount of time each time, and seems to prefer different sides at different times... for no reason at all. Sigh.

I love being able to nurse my son, but it is an exercise in patience for a control freak like me. I will keep at it, though, because this opportunity to nourish Isaac all on my own will soon pass.

MWM Turns 30

p.s. Suggestions welcomed!

Isaac is Here!

Praise God! Our little Isaac is heavenly. Please continue to pray for his health and safety.

MWM Turns 30

I Want My Body Back

I am just a few days from delivering my third child. It has been a long two years, having had back-to-back pregnancies on top of full-time teaching, and I am eager to have my body back. I don't have any illusions about returning to my pre-baby "size" or "weight," I am simply eager to return to the activities that I enjoyed before - skiing, biking, yoga. I want to build my strength and stamina again. It turns out that physical activity is a part of my life that I need secure in order to feel whole and complete as a person.

I love the privilege of having carried my children to term, and I will treasure the opportunity to raise them in an environment wherein we enjoy our health and the outdoors.

MWM Turns 30

Distractions

As I anxiously await the arrival of my 3rd child, I appreciate all of the daily distractions that keep me "sane." A few of these: my daughter, my classroom, bills, laundry, email, birthdays, meetings, paperwork, landscaping... all of the things that I would typically take for granted. These are the things that I lean on now as I hope and pray for a living, breathing child. Praise God for these blessings and more!

MWM Turns 30

Impatient

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. My grief manifests itself mainly in the form of impatience with others... family members, friends, co-workers, and complete strangers. I am not seeking nor expecting perfection, but I do expect people to do their jobs, drive properly when sharing the road with me, and to not ask me a zillion unnecessary questions because they haven't given their curiosities any thought.

I am not proud of being so impatient. I'll continue to work on it...

MWM Turns 30

Two Years In Waiting...

My son Isaac, currently 36 weeks gestation, is eagerly awaited by my family and I. Our first positive pregnancy test after trying to conceive for nearly a year following Isabelle's birth, came in July 2008. We delivered our son Henry silently in March of 2009. Now, over a year later, we anxiously await the opportunity to hold a living, breathing baby... one that we get to take home and raise. I don't know why God has made us wait this long - or whether He may still have a wait in store - but I know that I am even more grateful for this miracle after what feels like two full years of pregnancy and an inequitable amount of "waiting."

Please pray for us, and also for our baby Isaac.

MWM Turns 30

Gotta Say It Was a Good Day!

There are a few days each month that go exactly as planned... or perhaps even better than planned. I finished every task on my To Do list today, was able to take a nap, and ate two delicious meals. My little man was active in my tummy, my toddler was in a wonderful mood, and my husband actually asked me if he could help with anything.

Doesn't take much when you're a working Mom, and a good day makes 3 tough days worthwhile.

MWM Turns 30

The Phantom Tollbooth

A children's novel, yes, but extremely insightful! I am reading it for the first time with my students, and I keep stopping mid-chapter to say, "Isn't that interesting?! What a great book!"

For example, what would the world be like if we had to buy and sell words? Or what if there were a watchdog that showed up every time that time were being wasted?

Things that I am pondering as I read this book with my 9- and 10 year-olds...

MWM Turns 30

Sore Legs

I will gladly have sore legs for the next 6 weeks as a side effect of pregnancy. If Isaac arrives safe and healthy, then I will never regard my physical "ailments" as anything other than minor bumps in the road to growing our family.

I am not as accepting of the emotional side effects of things, however. I love teaching, but I get extremely frustrated and offended when my techniques and integrity are questioned... even though these instances are typically mild and infrequent. Similarly, I enjoy marriage and am deeply in love with my husband. I get angry, though, when we (again, rarely) fail to come to a quick compromise or resolution, or to communicate effectively.

Not quite articulate this afternoon (tired, crabby, and with sore legs), I am trying to say that I think that we (people, in general) are stronger physically than emotionally. Why is that?

MWM Turns 30

The Bird

We have a bird - at least, I think it is only one - that has flown into one of our rear-facing glass windows in the family room 2-3 times daily, for several days in a row. I have to both giggle and sigh when this poor creature mistakes our window for a gateway to someplace more appropriate. I alternately feel sorry for, and frustrated with, this bird, because he or she continues to make the same mistake over and over again.

How often am I like this bird, rushing off in the wrong direction, making the same mistakes that I've made in the past?

MWM Turns 30

Dead Wood

My husband has been cutting down the dead trees in our backyard this week, since they no longer produce leaves and pose a falling hazard. Something about this process has been "cleansing" for him. He comes in each day talking about how the yard looks "new" and "healthy" and how there will be room for new trees to grow now that the diseased trees have been trimmed. He's also happy that the chopped wood will take on new life in someone's fireplace.

I can't help but see the symbolism in this otherwise mundane activity. Ridding yourself of "dead wood" makes room for newer, fresher, and healthier thoughts, ideas, and relationships. I don't mean to say that "old" or "dying" things are useless, because they're not. They are a part of the necessary cycle of living. I am saying, though, that it is necessary to clear the woods and make room for new life every once in awhile.

MWM Turns 30

Family Feud

Well, not literally.

There are members of my husband's family that are angry with us for not spending the holidays with them this year. We chose to stay close to home and travel to church only, since our daughter is at such an age that she was excited about Santa and the Easter Bunny. Moreover, I was not interested in spending any portion of this pregnancy (already insanely high-stress given our history) with cats (super allergic!), alcohol (can't drink and live over an hour away), and horrible language (in front of my impressionable 3 year-old).

Anyway, all of this comes back to our not visiting our 20-something cousins often enough, despite the fact that we work full-time, are raising a toddler, and have a home to maintain an hour away from where they live. Doesn't matter that we've spent months grieving for our son and taking steps toward the future in preparing for (hopefully!) another baby to come into our home and our hearts.

I have never really had people angry with me - particularly for what I feel is no good reason - so I am having a tough time reconciling my role in the "feud." I am not the first person that they have ever been angry with, and I sure as heck wont be the last, but I still do not enjoy having people hold such negativity and hostility toward my family and I.

MWM Turns 30

Gain Weight! Huh?

My OB has jokingly been telling me to gain weight, even though my weight gain has been "normal" and in keeping with my last two pregnancies. It's as though he worries about most patients gaining too much, so in his relief, he is happy to deliver the news that I am welcome to pig out a little more if I should choose to.

Trouble is - or isn't, it seems - I already eat everything that I want to. My family has seen it (a whole mushroom pizza by myself last month); my friends have seen it (5 brownies at the last home party I went to); and I can tell the difference myself (I've already reached the weight I was when I delivered my nearly 9-lb Isabelle).

It is interesting to me that no matter what we women do, someone else is always looking to see whether or not we've gained or lost weight. If we gain too much, we aren't taking care of ourselves. If we lose too much, we have a disorder. I have to wonder if cultures all over the world have these same concerns with weight. Yet another reason to pursue my dream of moving my family to Italy and writing for a living...

MWM Turns 30

Sigh

My students are absolutely off their rockers right now with Spring Fever. They are easily distracted, extra silly, and annoying the heck out of me. Truly I tell you, I want Spring Break more than they do.

MWM Turns 30

Connections

I do not consider myself to be a person that "develops connections" on purpose. I don't seek out friendships with "influential" people, nor do I compete for the attention of anyone, because, well, I am much too lazy to do so.

Are there people that actually do this? How do these people have the time and energy? I heard all about how "you must be connected to make the ---- team!" and "I don't play games, so my kid always gets cheated..." while waiting in line to pick up recital tickets today. Is this really what happens when your kids get older? Must you "make connections" in order to help your children achieve their goals?

I hope not. Perhaps I was merely hearing backlash from few crabby ladies on a particularly crabby day...

MWM Turns 30

Minimal TV

I would love to comment on annoying commercials today, but I haven't watched more than 30 minutes of TV (total) since Sunday. We have had Parent-Teacher Conferences, I have Master's work due this weekend, and since I am pregnant, I am physically exhausted by about 2:00 each day. I love being a Mom, and I love my job, but I miss the good ole' days of watching TV, living in a spotlessly clean home, and seeking out activities to fill up my "free time."

MWM Turns 30

Debt Commercials

Apparently, this week I am inspired to write about annoying commercials... not sure how that happened.

Anyhow, is anyone else tired of seeing debt-free solution after debt-free solution advertised on TV? The only way to become debt-free is to stop spending, pay off credit cards and loans, and ideally, to make more money. No company is going to give you a magical solution that will find you a higher paying job or rid you of financial stress altogether.

Enough already! We never had these when I was kid. People had to pray and work, plan and save. I hope that we, as a society, get back to that ideology one day.

MWM Turns 30

Skin Care Commercials

Is anyone else tired of skin care commercials? Why do these companies think that B-list celebrities, lame background music, and promises about "sexy skin" will make a person (especially anyone over 25) jump off of the couch and try an overpriced product that they have lived for years without? Enough! Neither Julianne Hough, Hayden Pane-t-whatever, nor Whitney Port (LC's work buddy?) are going to influence me to buy something.

This just in! Avril Lavigne has one, too. Apparently, even punk girls from Canada get breakouts.

Ugh. Get a real job!!!

MWM Turns 30

A Friend's Journey

I have a friend that is dealing with infertility. She has children already, but in her heart, she aches for one more - a precious baby to hold and care for. She is married, healthy, employed, and insured... but for some reason, God has not allowed her to become pregnant after a year-and-a-half of trying.

I ache for my friend, because I can do nothing to help her but pray. I pray that she be guided as she makes decisions; that she be patient as she waits; that she stay positive and hopeful as she continues on her journey. I am frustrated that there is nothing more that I can do than that.

If you are reading this, and you are willing to pray, I invite you to pray for these things for her, too.

MWM Turns 30

The Office

I love that television show! It is relevant. It has heart. It makes me laugh.

Plus, Andy Bernard is one of the funniest characters to ever have graced my television.

Thank goodness for wonderful distractions like The Office!

MWM Turns 30

Today

One year ago, we learned that our son had died. Today, my tummy was alive with movement. This is a strange day, because as much as I miss my Henry, I enjoy the hope that I have for his little brother Isaac. I honor one child's memory, and I celebrate the life of another.

All of this on a beautifully lit Spring day - friends at my side, money in my pocket, food in my stomach, one more Grad class down, and two of my favorite television shows on tonight. Despite the grief that I carry today, I am able to count my blessings.

Today was hard, but not as hard as "today" one year ago. I'm thankful for that.

MWM Turns 30

Reflecting on Pain

The one-year anniversary of my son Henry's birth / death is approaching... 5 days away to be exact. Lately, as my heart has begun to heal and my faith has begun to be restored, I have reflected on how painful that experience truly was. I can't eat the Zone bars that I ate daily at the end of my pregnancy, can't eat Tropical Smoothie Cafe (since that was what I ate in the days and weeks following his death), will not listen to songs from last year on the radio, and regret to see reminders all over the place as spring pushes winter away outdoors.

I was in such a state of shock - and defeat - that I went through the spring and summer practically numb. I talked with friends, gave and received hugs, went to Church, read with students, laughed out loud occasionally... but I didn't really enjoy any of it.

I can see that now, as I am finally able to reflect. I hope that one year from now I will be reflecting on joy instead of sorrow.

But don't we all hope for that...?

MWM Turns 30

Each Kick, Every Slumber

Pregnant with my Subsequent Pregnancy After Loss (SPAL) baby, I am aware of every kick, and of every non-kick, that this child makes. It is an awareness that I never thought that I'd need to have.

Sometimes, Isaac sleeps. My heart fills with panic.

"Wake up and move, baby! Please!"

I plead with an unborn child.

Ten weeks to go...

MWM Turns 30

Nothing At All

There are days when we do nothing at all... well, nothing other than laundry, dishes, and the like. These days are wonderful. My husband likes catching up on his television shows. I am able to work on Master's work for hours on end. Daughter plays "school" in between snacks, legos, and dress-up. These are the days that we work all week for, and the reason that we choose to spend them together as a family.

Occasionally, I love doing nothing at all!

MWM Turns 30

Dance Class = Give Me Your Money!

I grew up dancing. I took dance classes from age 3 until I was 20 years old, and I loved everything about it - my tights, my shoes, my friends, the music, the mirrors, learning a new routine, performing on stage, watching others at rehearsal... I can't imagine having lived my life without it.

My daughter - now 3 - is enrolled in her first year of dance lessons. She isn't always jazzed up about wearing her dance clothes, does not always look forward to learning more steps in her routines, and rarely (once a week at most), talks about wearing her costume and dancing on stage. Either she doesn't enjoy it as much as I had hoped that she would, or she is simply too young to connect the dots from week to week. I, am, however, ready to shed some tears or punch some walls in regards to the cost of it all.

Keep in mind that we're talking about a 3 year-old here, but this is what the year is looking like so far:
$45 / month in lessons
$90 / in costumes
$95 / in recital fees
$15 / each additional recital ticket
$30 / in picture fees
$50 / in dance wear - as she grows, the list grows

Part of me hopes that she'll continue to want to dance, but a part of me hopes that she'll choose a less expensive hobby for her free time. I mean, if we're spending ~$1,000 in dance this year, what will spend when she turns 10 and takes more classes, wears more costumes, and competes around the country?!

MWM Turns 30

Tired

Today - this moment actually - I am so tired that I can barely see straight. I am worn down. On top of teaching full-time and raising a toddler, I am experiencing the most emotionally-charged pregnancy that I could have ever imagined for myself. I am now 27 weeks along, and even the most minor periods of inactivity (baby's gotta sleep every now and then!), I absolutely freak out. I go to "that place" and just start praying that God will let me keep this child. Emotionally, this day-to-day ritual takes a toll. I had a "freak-out" yesterday. I had another this afternoon. No pill, no energy bar, no nap can tackle this feeling of utter exhaustion. I pray that one day, after my Isaac arrives and is able to sleep through the night, I will wake up one morning feeling satisfied in my wakefulness.

Weary, but hopeful,

MWM Turns 30

This is it! The big 3-0!

I turn 30 tomorrow... or Monday. Truth is, my Leap Year Birthday doesn't come this year. The timing is appropriate, given the fact that I am not "excited" about turning 30. I don't fear getting older, and I don't regret much of anything in my past 29 years. It is strange, though, to realize that I am now the age that my Mom was when she birthed me, and that in the next decade, I will turn 40. Hmmm...

Anyone want to join me in a mid-life crisis?

I plan to celebrate with my beloveds at Red Robin, our favorite family hang-out. I hope to enjoy a peaceful afternoon, and a healthy, happy year ahead. God has given me 30 years of strength, health, success, and well-being. For that, I will celebrate with gratitude.

MWM Turns (Is) 30

Nothing Much To...

When I was in 3rd Grade at Woodside Elementary, I read a chapter book called Nothing Much to Cheer About. It told the quaint, 80s-esque story of Cheerleader-dates-jock, breaks leg, begins spending time with nerdy neighbor, finds happiness despite have "nothing much to cheer about."

Today, as I look at a pile of Master's assignments to begin, papers to grade, and miscellaneous forms to complete, I feel as though I have nothing much to cheer OR write about.

I completely understand how Cheerleader felt after breaking her leg.

MWM Turns 30

More Juice!

Minutes ago, following snack time - a routine event in our house now that my husband works past 6:00 most nights - my daughter pushed her cup in my direction and half-stated, half-commanded, "More juice!"

"Really?" I asked, half-stunned, half-all out annoyed.

I collected myself and realized that it was a teachable moment if handled correctly. I looked in her direction and reminded her of the following:
Number 1: We use manners in this house.
Number 2: You may not have more juice until dinner time.

I then told her to choose her words more carefully, and simply looked back at the catalog on my lap.

If there is one thing that I take pride in as a parent, it is that I require my daughter to demonstrate good manners when interacting with other people. I wish that good manners were still commonplace in everyday society.

MWM Turns 30

Snow

I sometimes look around on a day like today and wonder, "Where could all this have possible come from?!" The snow is deep, heavy, and still falling... I cannot help but feel that summer is too far in the past, or in the future, to either remember or look forward to it. There is something inherently depressing about looking out into an endless abyss of white when you are unable to go out to ski (pregnant), snowmobile (don't own one), skate (nothing is cleaned off), and / or even drive safely. It is on days like these that I question the decision that we made to move back here from North Carolina, as opposed to staying or moving even further south. I question... but all that answers me is snow.

Desperately seeking Spring,

MWM Turns 30

Prayer

I turn to prayer often. I pray each morning... well, most mornings, for the safety and health of my family. I pray for my classroom on the drive to school each day - for a day of patience, and for my student's protection. I pray for Isaac constantly, and for Henry, even though he is with God and doesn't really need me to pray for him. I pray for Izzie and her friends at pre-school, and for my husband and his job security. I pray for the people that I am angry or frustrated with, and for those people that I am grateful to have in my life. I pray to be less selfish and more patient (I ask for patience A LOT), and I pray for a million other tiny little things that I enter my mind on a daily basis. I sometimes wonder if God has a voicemail system set up just for me, because when I am bored, or scared, or confused, or worried... I pray.

It is Ash Wednesday, and (from the hymn Just As I Am), the day to look deep within our hearts to see the "fightings and fears within, without".

Blessings and peace during this Lenten season,

MWM Turns 30

Ironing

There are lots of things that I dislike in the world - asparagus, vanity, shoveling snow... I try to live my life without them. The one thing that I cannot live without, but that I enjoy as little as having blood drawn, is ironing. Yuck! Ironing the same clothing over and over, simply in the interest of maintaining a professional appearance, is a chore that I would gladly pay someone to come to my home and do for me. I would rather pay someone to iron my clothes than to clean my toilet, and yet here I sit, staring at the ironing board and pile of laundry that needs to be de-wrinkled. Anyone interested in doing community service in the form of laundry patrol? If so, please email, along with a list of your ironing skills and history.

With tongue planted firmly in cheek,

MWM Turns 30

My New Reply? No Reply.

Throughout my teaching career, I have considered myself to be a responsive teacher. I responded quickly to phone calls, emails, and notes, often with a re-assuring explanation or suggestions for at-home intervention. After spending months replying to angry phone calls and emails this year, however, I have come to a realization. Unless I can make a positive connection - that is, offer something that will be useful - I will no longer offer a reply simply in the interest of defending myself.

I am a great teacher, and I know it. I challenge, I inspire, I teach... and my students learn. When parents have unreasonable expectations for their children, such as wanting them to come home with perfect test scores, be the most popular child in class, or to be voted onto student council, I am unable to offer them help. They are simply frustrated - or disappointed - and I suppose that they want me to alter life's reality to meet their needs. In truth, despite my best efforts, I am unable to alter reality, or to make everything easy for everyone.

With that in mind, I am going to begin protecting myself from people with unreasonable expectations, unanswerable questions, or frustrated pleas for a "better grade." I am not an adult counselor, I teach the Fourth Grade.

Feeling better having said all of that,

MWM Turns 30

Valentine's Day

My husband sent flowers to me at work, which was a very thoughtful gesture. "He did good!" as my Principal commented on my way out of school on Friday afternoon. The past two years, which were somewhat difficult financially, we were not able to buy anything for one another, let alone send a surprise delivery. As I reflect on all of the years that we have been together, though, there is not one that stands out as being more special than any of the others - time times that we shared gifts, the times that we didn't, before we had children, nor after we had children. Our relationship has always been based on a strong friendship and a loyal commitment. I am blessed to love my husband, and to sense his love in return, no matter what else (work, money, etc.) we have dealt with, or are dealing with, in our lives.

Celebrating friendship this weekend,

MWM Turns 30

A Memory in the Making

I will never forget this day for as long as I live. My daughter has been up since 8:00 a.m. chattering away about the Daddy-Daughter Dance that her daddy will be taking her to tonight. Her joy is unbridled, her excitement unabashed. I am so in love with these two people - my husband and my daughter - that I cannot help but feel warm with pride as I watch her dance around before her "big date."

It is as though this is her "first wedding," and I am the photographer capturing it all. This is a memory in the making.

MWM Turns 30

There's Got to be a Better Way!

It was a blustery winter day. The snow whipped past my face as I opened the heavy door into a small waiting area cramped with people. I gripped my cable bill in one hand, and tugged at my purse to keep it up on my shoulder. I remember thinking, "why me?!" as I took my place in line, 9 months pregnant with my second child.

About 10 minutes passed. I had been eavesdropping on conversations between other customers as I continued to pout. One lady chatted about where she'd gotten her nails done. A man griped about the economy, and in particular how difficult it was to keep a household going in Flint. A woman behind me texted on her cell phone meticulously, as though her life depended on the exchange. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a short, older man trying to make his way up the slippery walkway into the building, hunched over his walker and gritting his teeth. He was hell bent on doing this on his own, and waved away a young man that offered to help him just outside of the door. From further up in the line - which had begun looping around the room like a snake - a tall African-American man with a booming voice said out loud exactly what we had all been thinking: "There's got to be a better way!"

For some reason, this man's words have stuck with me. When people conflict, when decisions are made hastily, when worry begins to set in... I try to remember the promise that I made to myself about never contributing to a mess such as that. If there's got to be a better way, then we should all be committed to finding it.

MWM Turns 30

Informational Report

I explained the next big writing assignment to my students today - an Informational Research Report. They have 3 weeks to complete it, and can write about any researchable topic of their choice: sports history, world leaders, animals, regions, landmarks, artists, etc. I tried to emphasize the idea that students should research a topic that they are passionate about.

This got me to thinking about how often we, as adults, pass up the opportunity to learn more about things that we are passionate about: politics, spirituality, genealogy, current events, our neighbors, and even our own family members. What if we all had to write an Informational Report this month? What would we write about, and how would we make time to learn?

MWM Turns 30

Watch the Superbowl? I'd rather clean!

First of all, I'd rather do almost anything than clean. When I think of giving up 3-4 hours on a Sunday to watch a football game, however, I realize that I would rather clean, iron, or work on materials for my classroom than watch this sporting event with teams and players that I can't even name.

Did this happen when I was born with ovaries instead of testes? Did this happen when I grew up with parents that cared more about reading than watching sports? Perhaps it happened when I became a home-owner, a Mom, or passed the age of 25. I am unable to pinpoint the moment that I decided against sports in favor of home, work, and family, but it definitely made me who I am today... and determined what I will not be doing this afternoon.

A toast to all of you that, like me, will be engaged in something meaningful (to you), while your hubby or significant other watches the game in the other room. Have a wonderful Sunday!!!

MWM Turns 30

You Start It, You Finish It!

My Mom taught me long ago - I think it was in 8th grade when I still wanted to take dance lessons, but no longer wanted to do gymnastics - that you should fulfill your commitments. "I paid for a full year, and a full year is what you're going to do... for better or for worse," she'd say.

I see myself passing that philosophy onto Izzie when she fusses around on Saturday mornings and "doesn't want" to go to dance class. In actuality, it's the getting dressed, leaving her toys behind, and finishing her breakfast that she doesn't want to do. Once she is at class, she is happy as can be, and she thanks us for taking her (no really, sometimes she does!). Anyway, it is on these mornings that I understand where my Mom was coming from, having paid hard-earned money out of her own pocket for me to learn something or enjoy a recreational activity. I found myself on this particular morning telling my 3 year-old, "You only have 3 months left. You asked to do this. You will finish with all of the other little girls."

I reflect on that and giggle. Not only have I turned into my Mom, but my daughter is a toddler. If she didn't enjoy the activity itself, I would be the first one to excuse her from doing it. The fact that she enjoys it, in general, however, makes me want to use commitment clause.

MWM Turns 30

Why do you care about THAT?!

I have a co-worker that cares about a lot of things that I could not care less about. She wants me to lean her way in politics. She "can't believe" that one of our team members would dare do... this or that. She is angry at this person and that group, and she doesn't agree with the policies anywhere. Surely, I exaggerate, but the feeling I get is that she harbors a great deal of unresolved anger.

I care about serving God, taking care of my family, keeping my job, and enjoying the blessings that I have been given each day. As far as the other stuff is concerned, I do not have the passion or energy to care.

People & doing good work... those are the things that are important.

MWM Turns 30

A Good Doctor

I have a wonderful OB/gyn this time around! He practices alone, has a very caring and detailed nursing staff, takes the time to answer all patient questions, is supportive and understanding, and he makes my husband laugh. He knows that I need re-assurance each time that I am there, and he does not hesitate to sympathize with my "issues." I didn't have this type of Dr-Patient relationship during my last two pregnancies. Looking back... I missed out.

A good Doctor makes a big difference in how you feel mentally and emotionally during pregnancy, in addition to caring about your physical well-being. A good Doctor is "golden!"

MWM Turns 30

My Baby is Sick

It doesn't matter how old your "baby" is, whether 3 weeks, 3 months, or 3 years old. You don't want him or her to be sick. It is painful to watch your child be in pain, and you feel helpless seeing them be helpless. If she wanted candy, I could give her that. If she wanted to go to the zoo, I could take her there. When all she wants is to feel better, though, all that I can do is help her to get comfortable and pray.

My baby is sick, and I wish that my love alone could make her better.

MWM Turns 30

What To Give, When to Start, When to Stop...?

My Mom and I had this discussion yesterday after leaving Church. There are at least 5 different important ministries going on right now in our parish, and several more in other areas of our lives - work, school, community, etc. It can be frustrating to try to determine which to contribute time and finances to, particularly when you are working hard to control the day-to-day expenses in your own life. What do you give? When do you start? When do you stop?

Logically, I believe that God calls us to contribute time and talents to those opportunities that we feel most passionate about. Trouble is, I feel drawn to all of them, and wish that I had something to donate to each.

In closing the conversation, my Mom and I agreed that we should simply pray about this "dilemma." I wonder how many people of faith around the world carry these questions in their hearts?

MWM Turns 30

February

February is a month that I always look forward to - family birthdays, Ash Wednesday, Valentine's Day, and the feeling that spring is around the corner. In just a few months, we'll be busy preparing our garden for summer, digging out oddball items for our annual garage sale, and - for better, for worse - celebrating our son Henry's 1-yr Angel-versary. It has been a long winter, but we can look to the future with eager eyes and hopeful hearts.

I turn 30 this month, by the way... thus, the name that I have selected for my blog.

To February, everyone!

MWM Turns 30

Mompetition

There is a Mom that I know from pre-school that insists on asking questions about my daughter, what lessons she takes, what activities I do with her daily, whether or not I baked the treats that she shared from scratch... the list goes on and on. At first, I thought that she must simply be interested in what we do, and that she was trying to strengthen the common bond that we already share because our children are classmates and friends. Now... I am slightly annoyed.

Why does it matter if I baked the cupcakes or bought them? Who else, but my husband, daughter, or I should care about whether or not my 3 year-old is "practicing" her ABCs at home? Why should I be explaining to anyone that I am not related to what we watch and don't watch on TV? I am nearly ready to politely request that she "Stop asking me the questions!"

Will Mompetition always exist, or can just go about our lives knowing that it takes differ'nt strokes to move the world?!

MWM Turns 30

How Long Until You Feel "At Home"?

I was transferred to a new school this year, because the funding for my position last year was cut from the district budget. I went to a grade level that I love, though, and a school with large classrooms, ample space, and talented teachers. I was excited when I got the news.

A large part of me was sad, though, because I really loved my school and co-workers from last year (my first in the district). Would I develop friendships as genuine as those I had before? Would the drive ever seem "automatic," and would I find special places along the route to grab coffee, snacks, or lunch?

Nearly 7 months have passed since I started the "new" job, and I am finally feeling "at home." I have a routine, I've gotten to know my fellow teachers, and I am invested in the best interests of our building, our mission, and our students.

I know that God wants me here, just as He wanted me at my former building last year. I guess that home is where you learn to enjoy the blessings around you.

MWM Turns 30

Parenting Your Students

I teach 4th grade because I enjoy the developmental stage of the students, and because I enjoy the curriculum. We get to do lots of interesting things, but I don't have to be too picky or formal when it comes to grading or testing.

Today, like many days, I was unable to do much "teaching"... in the traditional sense, that is. I did a whole lot of parenting, though, or as a good friend of mine likes to call it: guiding.

I taught 3 of my students that failing to turn in homework for 3 days in a row (short, easy assignments, mind you) earns you a "working recess" in the Main Office. I taught one student that just as he was suspended once before for putting his hands on another student (in an eerily too-friendly way), he would earn yet another one if I should see him do it again. I taught a young lady that she should not write notes about who she has a crush on in my class for the following reasons: 1) She is 9; and 2) That information is best kept to oneself. I reminded students to say "please" and "thank you" to our cafeteria personnel, and I required them to apologize when standing in an adult's way during dismissal.

I did a whole lot of "teaching" today, but little of it involved books, pencils, or paper.

MWM Turns 30

What's For Dinner?!

How is it that my husband and I have this conversation every single afternoon, even though we make out a weekly menu, shop together, and are both well aware of what we have and don't have in the cupboard.

Are we used to a life of, "I can have what I want today, even if I have to drive-thru or take it out?!" Are we picky, choosy, spoiled, lazy, overpaid...? Or, after a long workday, are we both wanting to indugle in the one thing that we can indulge in as a family?

Oh - to heck with reasoning. I am pregnant, and when I want Mexican food... I want Mexican food!

Giggling,

MWM Turns 30

The Day That Got Away

I am surprised at myself for not blogging yesterday. It wasn't as though I was so bogged down that I couldn't lift a finger to type - just grocery shopping, clothes washing, catching a DVD with the husband... the usual. Looking back, however, I didn't have any lesson planning, grading papers, or other schoolwork to do. Turns out that my working hard all week led to my having a "day off."

And, honestly, it was wonderful!!!

MWM Turns 30

Satisfaction... In My Child's Smile!

We hosted a small birthday party for my daughter and her friends at the Children's Museum. We had pizza, cupcakes, soda, and a few decorations... but to my 3 year-old, it was the world. Her laugh, her smile, her squeals of delight when opening gifts was the best "thanks" that I could have ever received.

I am hovering in the afterglow of my daughter's smile.

MWM Turns 30

What is the Waiting Period on Self-Defense?

When someone blatantly offends you - attacks you verbally, for lack of a better phrase - how long must you stand and take the abuse until you are within your rights to defend yourself?

What about when you're pregnant, it occurs at the end of a l-o-n-g day, and the person that is being vile is simply being vile?

MWM Turns 30

Please Everyone, Please No One

I have been reflecting on this phrase all day long. On Tuesday, I had a parent call to tell me that the Poetry Project that I had assigned (over one week ago, and which isn't due for two more weeks), will be too challenging for her son and for most Fourth Graders. On Wednesday morning, I was greeted with a note from another parent questioning our Spelling List, and explaining that it was simply not challenging enough for her little darling.

Too much, too little, too challenging, not enough.

Perhaps the phrase should be "Please everyone. Don't answer the classroom phone or read parent notes."

Kidding (sort of),

MWM Turns 30

Overwhelmed

Some days I am so overwhelmed that I feel as though I'd rather sit in my parked car than face the real life chores that exist in my life on a nightly basis. I am fairly certain that you ladies out there - married or not, working or not, know exactly how I feel.

You pick up your child(ren) at the end of a long workday, drive home starving because the child in your tummy needs sustenance every few hours on the regular, pick up the mail, get the trash ready for your husband to take out in the morning, bring in two school bags and two lunch boxes, help your child undress, potty, and wash hands, prepare a healthy snack, open the mail, throw out the mail, throw laundry in the dryer, start a new load in the wash, check your voicemail, begin cooking dinner, lay out clothing for the next day, re-pack lunches, text your husband with what groceries to pick up on his way home... all of this on a "normal" day, and you haven't even begun to grade papers, work on your Master's papers, chat with your Mom, read to your child(ren), or sit down for more than two minutes at a time...

Working women with mouths to feed and houses to clean - today's post is for you.

MWM Turns 30

Have a Little Faith (Mitch Albom)

I read this book over the weekend (cover-to-cover in one day, to be exact), and I remain a loyal Albom follower after this - his fourth major publication.

I am not sure what draws me to Mitch's works - his memoir style of writing, the topical nature of his books (as they apply to my life anyway), or the fact that I listened to him on the radio for years, and happen to feel a sense of connection to his thoughts and opinions. Regardless of the reason, each book has drawn me in and touched a corner of my heart.

Have a Little Faith, in particular, hits on the themes that have consumed my mind and heart over the past several years - faith in God, the powers of forgiveness and humility, connecting with others through common struggle, and living daily with hope after the unexpected loss of a child. I felt teary as I read the final page, pondering how a man that I have never met could write a book so fitting for me and my family. I am learning day by day that God works in this way - springing unexpected blessings on his children through the bold and generous talents of his other children.

Always grateful for a good read,

MWM Turns 30

My Baby Turns "3" Tomorrow!

My daughter - the most precious being that I have ever known - turns "3" tomorrow, and I am slightly in denial. In the past year, she has potty trained, learned to ice skate and swim, begun taking big-girl showers, and entered her first year of dance classes. All of this, and I still remember every moment of her first few days on Earth - her delivery, her first feeding, her first bath, her first trip home in the Jeep on a frosty, January day...

I suppose that no matter what birthday she celebrates, she'll always by my baby. I will always want what is best for her, and I will always work to guide and protect her.

Praise God for this blessed addition to my life, and for three years of health and happiness!!!

Oh, and "Happy Birthday" to my little Izzie! If you choose to read this one day, I hope that you realize how much you're loved.

MWM Turns 30

Oblivious

I am often surprised - and slightly in awe - when a parent is completely oblivious to the consequences of their child's behavior. I am not talking about a crabby child having a meltdown... been there, done that. I have all of the sympathy in the world for a child that is tired, ill, stingy, whiny, aggressive, or has special needs. My child is no saint, and we are as imperfect as the next family.

I have little sympathy, however, for a parent that buys each of their children (ages 2 - around 7) an over sized balloon, and then proceeds to look on aimlessly as said children bop people in front of them on the heads with their new "toys" over, and over, and over again. Apathy, or oblivion, presents the man, but either way... I do not deserve to be hit on the head by a child of any age.

On this occasion, I turn and patiently ask the father figure (the good Lord only knows who is actually raising this brood), "Can you take those away until after the show? I'd rather not be hit on the head for the entire 2nd half of the circus."

His firm and well-thought-out reply: "They're 2 and 3. They are having a good time."

My head wanted to scream, "So, if painting a stranger's house purple made them happy, you'd let them do that?!" Instead, I remain calm and explain that I, too, have a 3 year-old, but that in having a good time, she is NOT allowed to ruin anyone else's good time with toys, or food, or anything else for that matter.

His reply: "Well, we're going to do what we're going to do."

I am now angry and defensive. I respond calmly, again, with the most logical thing that I can think of at the moment. "Fine. I will just go and speak with an usher that will be happy to teach your children how to handle their toys, and that will perhaps ask you to move to a place in which you won't be allowed to bother others."

"Dad" took the toys away, set them aside, and said that he'd hand them back out after the show. No more was said, and life went on for all of us. I am still, however, carrying a bit of a grudge that people - like this man - can walk through life completely oblivious to others.

Perhaps he was allowed to do such things when he was a child...?

MWM Turns 30

Friday Night

Remember when Friday Night meant a football / basketball game followed by a house party? Or, in college, when it meant dance like a fool at the bar? Or, dinner and movie night with hubby, before you had kids? What happened to those nights? Are they lost somewhere in time, on hold until children grow up and retirement nears?

Last night I did the following:

1. Paid bills (my least favorite thing to do);
2. Filled out a Scholastic Book Order Form (for school);
3. Completed my grocery list (which is always the same, but I make a list anyway); and
4. Filed my nails.

Whatever happened to Friday Night?

MWM Turns 30

My Mechanically Inclined Husband is Sexy!

5:30 a.m. I set the timer and press the start button on the dryer. Nothing happens. No hum, no buzz, no rattle... nothing. "Honey! The dryer is broken!"

And so begins another day.

It's a fact that my husband can fix almost anything. Even the men in our neighborhood call him for advice when making a repair, and he makes almost any fix-it job look easy. With his assortment of tools and ties, he is able to deconstruct, evaluate, and repair parts that I wouldn't even know the names for. My husband has a God-given talent, and he shares it with those that he loves. With a wink and a grin, I'll often joke that "this is why I married him!"

What special talent does your spouse have? Is he a good listener? Does he grill or bake? Is he a terrific boo-boo fixer or a good last-story-before-bedtime reader? Why did you marry the person that you married? Maybe it'd be fun to tell him/her about it...

MWM Turns 30

My Vacationing Students

I have a dirty little secret... I envy the fact that many of my students are able to travel to warm, tropical locations in the middle of Winter with their families on vacation. I envy that they will be swimming in crystal blue waters, dining on gourmet seafood and sipping on non-alcoholic fruity drinks, and escaping their normal, everyday lives for a few days on their parent's dime.

Is it wrong to envy a vacationing 9 year-old?

Smiling,

MWM Turns 30

Good Year / Bad Year

It is interesting to me that while 2009 was a very difficult and challenging year for our family, a particular friend of mine had a prosperous and enjoyable 12 months. In the past two weeks, however, she has had a family member pass away, and learned that another close family member has ovarian cancer. We, on the other hand, have had a few months of (dare I say it?) blessings and good luck.

I mention all of this, because I wonder why God chooses particular challenges for each of us at particular times. Why can't we all just have an awesome year, and then go through all of the strife at the same time? I suppose that such a setup would prevent us from being able to care for our neighbors in their time of need, as we'd be too busy caring for ourselves...

Wondering,

MWM Turns 30

American Idol

My favorite television show returns tonight to prime-time TV. It requires no thinking, no analyzing, and I can watch it free of guilt or fear.

I will especially enjoy it tonight after a l-o-n-g day, an (in my opinion) not-so-productive meeting, and an hour of cleaning up after my toddler. American Idol is my indulgence, and I am grateful for two hours of giggling and laziness.

God Bless America!

MWM Turns 30

A Tinge of Bitter, Yes... But Much Happiness, Too!

A wonderful friend of mine - who happens to know that I live life with a tinge of bitterness lately - said that my blog seems truthful, but may be a bit of a turn-off for people that are happy, healthy, employed, married, and that haven't ever experienced a loss.

I asked her, "Where do those people live?!" :)

Truly, I am very happy with my family, my job, and my life in general. I want to be authentic, however, and the truth is that my rose garden has been a bit thorny over the past few years... thorny, but no less beautiful, nor lacking in happy surprises.

MWM Turns 30

I Am Not In Love... With Home Parties

I have attended four home parties in the past 12 months (which is only a fraction of those that I've been invited t0). This means that at least once per quarter, I am obliged to buy something that I do not want nor need from a friend or neighbor. Now, I realize that it could be much worse. We are no longer in the days of door-to-door salespeople, and there are lots of wonderful products out there being sold by women just like me. I am eager to support their efforts. But, come on. If I don't wear make-up, and I have expressed having no interest in wearing or purchasing make-up, why would someone insist on inviting me to their make-up party?

The food is good, the friends are good, and I even enjoy a few hours away from home once in awhile. I am not, however, in love with this new requirement for living and working in a suburb... attending home parties and pretending to enjoy products that no one really needs.

By the way, I have nothing against wall art, jewelry, candles, or make-up. They certainly make the world a prettier and more fragrant place to be!

MWM Turns 30

"Wait Until You Have Two!"

I am so tired of this comment. "Wait until you have two," in reference to children. Whenever I mention a shopping trip gone crazy due to taking along a crabby 3 year-old, someone from somewhere just has to glance at my pregnant belly and say all-too-knowingly, "Wait until you have two."

So many times I have wanted to shout, "I WOULD have had two children right now, had my precious baby NOT had a cord accident and died in my tummy at full-term! Thank you very much!"

Other times I have considered replying with a true, but perhaps inconsiderate, comment such as, "Wait until you die of lung cancer because you smoke!" or "Wait until you work full-time, go to school for an advanced degree, and have children! Just you wait!"

I do not understand, especially since most people that I work and socialize with are aware of my background, feel that it is appropriate to "warn" me about what will happen if and when I am able to give birth to another live, healthy baby.

With a tinge of frustration today, I remain

MWM Turns 30

Come On, Get Happy!

There are a handful of tried-and-true things that will put me into a happy mood if I allow myself to embrace them... even in the midst of a dark, chilly, mid-winter day:

80s Music - Turn it on, turn it up, sing along, and dance around. Simple!

Lend a Hand - Help a neighbor, baby-sit a pal's children, write a thank-you note, share some treats at work... Cheap and easy!

Read - Check out something at the Library or buy a new release at the book store. A few hours in the fictional life of someone else does my mind good every now and then.

Watch - Watch your favorite movie or TV series from your childhood. Share it with your family. Laugh at old hairstyles. Nothing more enjoyable than good old-fashioned humor.

Love- Love those around you. Hug them, sing to them, clean up after them, pray for them. The easiest way to enjoy love and happiness is to be the source of it.

Now, back to the get-happy dance party in my living room!

MWM Turns 30

Snow Day

I live in Michigan... have for nearly all of my life. We have fresh water, plentiful farms, great schools, and die-hard sports fans. We also have the pleasure of the once-in-awhile, no-school, no-work (for teachers!), Snow Day. It is a glorious thing.

As a teacher, I hope just as much for a Snow Day as I did when I was a child. I even have little superstitions that I follow in the hopes of generating enough "Snow Day" energy to actually make the snow fall thicker, heavier, and more resistant to plowing than ever before. Today (Thursday), for example, I gave the weekly Spelling Test instead of on Friday, in the hopes that the Snow Gods would smile upon me for having handled classroom business one day earlier than usual. I will not be putting ice cubes in my toilet or spoons in my bed, but I will absolutely be up at 5:00 a.m. to watch the local news and (hopefully!) see that my district has decided to close for one long, peaceful, winter day.

Here's to Snow Days... the pride of Michigan. And why not? We no longer have the automobile industry.

MWM Turns 30

I Don't Feel Like It!

Sometimes I simply want to revert to my own 3 year-old self and shout at the world, "I don't feel like it!!!" When a co-worker asks me to go out of my way to make her job easier... I typically don't want to do it. When my husband lost one of his two cell phones and wanted me to help him pick out a new one, I really wanted to reply, "Not tonight, honey. I don't feel like it." When a parent writes me an excuse about why their child didn't follow classroom procedures and turn their homework in on time, I want to type (in caps), "I don't feel like changing your child's grade to make you feel better! I have better things to do, such plan, grade papers, and actually teach!"

I have a lot to say, and I love to write! Tonight, however, I need a break. I just don't feel like it.

MWM Turns 30

Child Care

The pre-school that my daughter attends fits every requirement that we laid out when we discussed who would be responsible for teaching and nurturing our 3 year-old daughter each day. It is Christian-based (which is in keeping with my personal faith), located conveniently between home and work, reasonable priced, open and communicative, offers what I deem to be an age-appropriate curriculum, and the staff genuinely feels like an extended family. We are happy.

Child care is in an area in which we've been blessed. We've not doubted, second-guessed, or had to defend our decision to place her there at anytime. We are able to afford the tuition, feel confident with the teachers, and haven't been "stuck" without care when we needed it. As I said, we've been blessed.

How do you feel about the child care options in your area? Any other praise stories to share?

MWM Turns 30

Things People Say... Without Thinking

I have put my foot in my mouth several times in my 29 years. Who hasn't? I think that it is part of human nature to speak out loud things that should've remained thoughts; and the wonderful thing about getting older (if there is a wonderful thing), is that you mature enough to realize that it really is better to think before you speak, and that there are safe phrases for just about every situation... words to live by, if you will.

I had an acquaintence today tell me all about the incredible, amazing, miraculous birth of her grand-child, and detail every fact that she learned about umbilical cords, placentas, and childbirth in general. She spoke with such undeniable happieness and enthusiasm - all on a volunteer basis, of course - that I felt completely betrayed and hurt as a woman that lost a baby due to stillbirth less than one year ago. I felt as though she was subconsciously trying to compare my own painful experience to her glorious one, and I have difficulty understanding such thoughtless, uninvited dialogue.

This happened at the close of a happy, productive day; and even now I have a bitter taste in my mouth thinking about it. Sometimes people speak without thinking first.

Perhaps it's time for me to go on and on about my lovely wedding to my soul mate 5 years ago... Her son and "daughter" aren't married, and I know that her old-fashioned mind isn't pleased about it.

Nah. Not worth it. I don't like the taste of my feet.

MWM Turns 30

3 Year-old Girls

My Isabelle is magical... truly. She has an enormous imagination, a growing capacity for empathy and understanding, and a loud, generous giggle that literally dances around the house and lingers in its corners. She is, obviously, the light of my life.

There are things about her that I do not understand, however, and that frankly, I am trying to manage with all of my might. Take her incessant need to label her pre-school mates as best friends... One day its Girl A and the next its Girl B, and I am completely confused as to where she learned this behavior. I don't refer to anyone other than my husband as my best friend. I have never consciously labeled her friends as being good, better, or best, and I fail to comprehend the need that a 3 year-old would have for this type of "control."

Our response so far has been to say that, "Everyone at school is our friend, and we treat all of our friends with respect. Calling certain people our best friends hurts others' feelings." She continues to declare, at least to us anyway, who her best friend is each day. Sigh. Has anyone else experienced this? Is this a girl thing that simply arrived early? A phase that will pass?

In the meantime, my best friends today are... just kidding!

MWM Turns 30

Back to Work!

I love my job! Really! While Isabelle napped or played, I worked over Break on everything from lesson plans to seating charts, and I am eager to get back and launch my ideas. There is more to my excitement than simply enjoying what I do, however. I enjoy being a working Mom.

I stayed at home for one year after Isabelle was born, and I relished the opportunity to know my first-born baby and to watch her grow. As she became a toddler, though, I noticed that she was happiest when I was able to strike a balance between Mommy-and-Me time and Izzie-and-Other Children time. I searched high and low for opportunities for Isabelle to interact with other kids via parks, play groups, activities. After her 18-month birthday, I realized that I was feeling stressed, bored, and isolated. I had to go back to work, and Isabelle needed out-of-the-home stimulation for at least a portion of the day. My (our) decision happened to coincide with financial pressures that required me to earn an income. God provided me with a job, Isabelle with a pre-school that she enjoys and looks forward to, and our family with the extra income that we needed to maintain our lifestyle. Whether staying-at-home or working full-time, I am still Izzie's Mom, first and foremost.

Whether you raise your children for a living, or you work outside of your home and contribute to your family's bottom line, I wish you the things that I cherish most about being both a Teacher and a Mom - creativity, meaning, and passion for what you do.

Here's to the first Monday of 2010!

MWM Turns 30

Annual Greeting Card Hunt

I have a habit that I maintain in the first few days of each new year. I go shopping for nothing more than greeting cards - birthday, anniversary, holiday, etc. If it is expected before June, I will have the card to accompany its arrival.

We have two "birthday months" in my family, February being the first of them. Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day quickly follow, along with Easter and several wedding anniversaries. In having routine greeting cards on hand, I save myself from making multiple trips to Hallmark or the supermarket. My time is freed up to brainstorm and purchase gifts, or to make plans for an adults-only dinner. Of all of my wacky habits, this may be the only one that my husband actually smiles upon.

The other wonderful thing about looking forward to landmark days for family and friends is that it allows me to take a moment to be grateful for their presence in my life... even for my sister-in-law, whom I rarely speak to, but seems to keep my brother happy. Her birthday is Feb. 12th, by the way.

With convenience in mind today...

MWM Turns 30

Goals for 2010 and Beyond

I have never been a big believer in "resolutions." A resolution begins the moment one makes up his/her mind to make an actual physical or behavioral change, and then follows through with actions that support that decision. I believe that his happens during important moments throughout the year, as opposed to once upon a mid-winter look in the mirror.

My Goals as a MWM for 2010:

1. To develop a larger and more effective sense of patience. In the coming days, weeks, and months, I am determined to be more patient with myself, my family, my co-workers, my students, and with the worldly events over which I have no control. My plan of action is to:
   
   a. Breathe deeply when I notice stress taking over. Prepare my body and mind to react properly.
   b. Tune in to the actual problem. Is the person frustrated, bored, confused, etc.? How can I help?
   c. React in the kindest and gentlest manner possible. This takes great strength, in my opinion; to put water on a fire instead of feeding it.
   
   
2. To recognize a concern or worry, say a quiet prayer that it will be resolved by God, and send it away to him as if on angel's wings. Fear and anxiety have been my enemies more often than my friends; and as I approach 30, it is time for me to hand these things over to a more powerful being that I believe loves and cares for humankind. Easier said than done, perhaps, but that is why it is my goal.
   

So, those are my goals for now - to develop patience and to vanquish fear. I would enjoy looking back on my 30s as the decade during which I matured into a better Daughter, Wife, Mother, Sister, and Friend than I was in my 20s.

What are your goals for 2010 and beyond?

MWM Turns 30